vacation

last friday, i finished my second clinical experience. the past 10 weeks were intense, sometimes overwhelming, but altogether good...i learned a lot, not only about PT, but also about relationships and life decisions, as these were often quite complex in the worlds of my patients. i'm so grateful to have had the opportunity to learn at this particular hospital.

now onto vacation. about 5 weeks of it, in fact, though much of this time will be spent packing up our apartment, continuing the house-buying process and figuring out housing for the fall (until mid-October or so), and hanging out with family (which we're pretty excited about!).

i have a hard time with time off...i'm a "do-er" by nature, and any extended period of time without structure or things to do can drive me nuts. i often feel as though i need to present a list of all the things i accomplished on a particular day when steve gets home from work...pretty silly, i know, but i still feel this need to let myself and anyone else know how effectively i can use my time.  

this achiever mentality gets passed on to what should be recreational activities as well.  steve and i just got community member passes to umass boston's athletic center. they have a pretty nice pool and since i have more free time than usual, i've made heading out there a few times a week a priority...the idea behind this is to get back to activities i enjoy  for FUN (i.e. not to stir up my VERY competitive soul). on monday, my first day of vacation, i rode my bike the 2 1/2 miles to the campus, suited up, and walked on to the deck. the lifeguard there asked me if i was a competitive swimmer (my broad shoulders will probably forever give that away), and as soon as i said yes, he asked me if i wanted to join their adult swim team. my first thought was "yes! i'd love to do that...structured practices, possibly meets...awesome!". my second thought was "hey! i haven't really swam in MONTHS...i'm supposed to be doing this for fun, to get back in shape, to remember what swimming was like before i got burnt out in college". so i said no thanks, but that i'd think about it, that i needed to get in shape first. then, though i'm sure this guy had the best of intentions, he pulled out the "good" pace clock for me to use, and asked me if how much yardage i was planning on doing and if i wanted to try out the workout on the board from that morning's team practice. ahhhhh. i was supposed to be relaxing, but then all i wanted to do was show off my swimming skills and prove that i can do that workout (even though, in reality, i can only manage about 1500 yards at this point!). 

so as you see, relaxing is a struggle for me.

a few weeks ago, steve and i were talking about how difficult this is for both of us. he passed on a book entitled "when i relax i feel guilty" (which sums up exactly how i feel), and i started reading it this morning. i'm only a couple of chapters in, but it's helping me to realize just how skewed my understanding of leisure time has been.

as i continue the process of learning to rest and to quiet my inner competition, i'd love to hear any thoughts/wisdom on how you have learned to do this well!